take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
