I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
