just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
