ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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