If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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