Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
