I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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