You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
