im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize