Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
