we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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