I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
