Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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