rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
