It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
