Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
