matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
