I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
