WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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