I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
