im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
