Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
