ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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