remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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