What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
