i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
