While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
