just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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