I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The uberlube is also flammable
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize