I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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