new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize