mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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