The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
