Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
