I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
