i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
