Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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