I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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