You made me cry and you don't even care
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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