sarcasm needs its own font
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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