I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize