spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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