I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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