She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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