i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
