meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
