I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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