the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
