she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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