If i come over, it means nothing
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
