Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
