can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
