After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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