My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize