i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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