i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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