There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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