i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
