her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
