i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
