OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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