i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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