Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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