My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
