I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
